This post was written by Tangie Henry aka Inspired Sistah, a Certified Life Coach, Marriage Mentor & Coach. I first encountered Tangie on The BOSS Network, and I met her in real life at BlogLive Atlanta where she was a panelist. I knew she had a series online called Marriage Ain't for Wimps so I thought she'd be a perfect person to contribute to this blog. Enjoy!
This year, my husband and I celebrated fifteen years of marriage. One thing that we emphatically agree on is that proper preparation prior to getting married would have saved us many years of hurt, anger, frustration and disappointment.
In a time when the divorce rate is through the roof, it would behoove couples preparing to take the wonderful leap into marriage to try to prepare themselves as much as possible. Although that fact has been stated ad nauseam, for some reason, couples still frolic into their marriage convenant with little or no preparation and then wonder why they're having so many challenges. I've also run into the mindset of engaged couples who hear about the challenges of marriage but assume that they will be exempt. They reject sound guidance as if someone is trying to rain on their parade. Granted, there are some disgruntled married persons that you want to steer clear of, but I hope to provide a balance between fantasy and reality as well as offer some suggestions to help prepare you before you do.
Pay Attention: I'm a firm believer that your "Intended" will show you everything about himself/herself prior to The Big Day. Whether you choose to pay attention or not is totally up to you. Does she have a nasty, little habit of overspending? Or does he seem to shut down when you prefer that he open up? Those are things that need to be addressed. If they are bothering you now, they will really rub you afterwards.
Deal with the Real: Fantasy is only suitable for the arts. It's important that you accept your Honey for who he is and not who you want him to be. Don't go into the union assuming that things will change afterwards. Does he seem to be having trouble holding a job? Ummm...getting hitched will not suddenly cure him.
Ask the Hard Questions: Do you want to have children? What religious belief will you raise your children under? Who will handle the money? Will you have a joint account? These are all questions that too many couples make assumptions about and then find themselves in a state of frustration when their assumptions clash with the reality.
Get Sound Counsel: I am a huge advocate of structured, intensive pre-marital counseling. I'm not talking about the quick, one hour session where you sit down with a minister and tell him or her about your wedding plans. I'm talking about an intensive preparation course where it spurs deep thought and intense conversations.
Take Your Time: In the dating phase of a relationship, it seems that the natural progression would be engagement and, ultimately, marriage. However, there is a huge emphasis on getting from, "Hi, my name is Kendra," to "I now pronounce you man and wife." The more time you spend exploring your relationship prior to getting hitched, the more fulfilling your union will be.
In summary, having a partner that you've committed to before God and man is a wonderful opportunity. So don't shortchange yourself by not being properly prepared. Let's be real, there are some things that you are just not going to know until you take the plunge, but completing some prerequisites will make the transition a whole lot smoother. So take a break from the phone calls to caterers and florists, and get in your Honey's face for some real dialouge. You'll be glad you did!
Check Tangie's blog Marriage Ain't for Wimps which promotes and advocates for love and marriage, and check her site, Inspired Sistah which inspires women to live on top of the world.
